The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
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it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
This will never not be funny to me.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this