*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
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PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
knights of the ikea table
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.