It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
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[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me