Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
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Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
How it started How it’s going
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*