hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
You Might Also Like
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.