Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
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i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
somebody come look at this
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars