PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
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adding to the discourse
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
how it started vs how it ended
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal