I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
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While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”