History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
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Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I hate when people I know visit my city w/o asking me what to do. What do you mean you’re going to The Coughing Museum?
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.