Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
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Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
New mindset, who dis?
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING