According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
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Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
spicy snake
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.