You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
You Might Also Like
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
White Castle for the Win
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster