Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
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Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Finally a use for spoilers…
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that