[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
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then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.