I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
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The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
This 4th of July, please remember…
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine