#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
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If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen