Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
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Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair