If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
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sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.