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Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
he was correct
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
rapatouille
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that