Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
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I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”