Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn鈥檛 a Jason Mimosa.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Haven鈥檛 lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven鈥檛 played in that long or what have you.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I鈥檇 say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Can’t, holding a grudge
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I wish I were this cool 馃槀
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
ME: *grasping wife鈥檚 hand* omg he鈥檚 going to say his first words
WIFE: c鈥檓on buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d鈥檃wwwww