[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
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I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live