Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
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My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
My dog learned how to text
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
me, too, girl. me, too.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.