My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
You Might Also Like
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse