Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it