‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
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Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
me doing my best
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Tough love is true love
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Customize Your Wedding.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk