if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
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Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
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[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.