[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
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I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.