Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
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I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist: