Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
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TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard