God has abandoned us.
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With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second