Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
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Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.