If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
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Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”