Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
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just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.