Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
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“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
he looks great for his age
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Reporter: *ports again*
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”