Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
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I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
mathematically impossible
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
How about daylight saves us for once
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY