Butt weight. There’s more!
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[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Acronyms got me like WTF?
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
2022: I can fix it
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no