me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
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Sounds about right. 😂🤣
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀