All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
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your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.