I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
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I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.