Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
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My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.