5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
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Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I already tried new things thanks.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING