I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
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Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
#MeanwhileinCanada
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
What the hell is going on?
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.