My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
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Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
This bar smells like my childhood.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.