Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
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him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume