Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
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[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.