Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
You Might Also Like
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I’m confused about plants
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn