Hilarious if literal: arms race
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Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
me refusing to leave twitter
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
good work, detective
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”