I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
You Might Also Like
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.