“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
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Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Bread puns are on the rise!
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said